Loving my self and accepting who I am is a work in progress. I’ve come a long way to find out that who I am is enough without filters, without makeup without having famous friends and being in popular group, without being a center of attention, without so many social media followers, with out anything that I add on to make myself feel better.
My teenage years and my 20’s were the most confusing time for me. Trying to discover who I am as a person was hard. I didn’t have the tools nor the foundation to feel enough. I was not secure in who I was or what I wanted out of life.
I’ve changed myself to fit so many molds in my time. To fit in a group of friends in high school that left me feeling not good enough. I went to grad school to fulfill my academic goal because that’s gotta be worth something right? I’m not saying it’s wrong to study and accomplish goals. I have no regrets doing that but the question is, was it to fill some gap in how I felt about my self or to be perceived in a certain way?
I have also changed my self to make others happy. To my first ever boyfriend who my skinny flat self wasn’t good enough and used to tell me and show me pictures of the kind of body he would like me to have. (He was weirdly obsessed with bigger women’s bottoms). For him I was never Going to be good enough physically. I wasn’t funny enough, talented enough. I felt like I had to meet my different boyfriends standards because they had an idea of who they wanted me to be. To my guy friends who always seemed to have an ideal women who is far away from who I am which made me question myself. If my normal guy friends don’t see me as a woman that’s worth their time or attention, should I change to be the women they seem to admire? Confused!
The media says different thing about being a strong successful women that look nothing like me. Are strong women the ones that work in a tall fancy building with pantsuits and bring in big paychecks and seem to have it all together? Maybe I need to be like them to feel like I’m contributing to my household and my family. I tried working towards that and still didn’t feel fulfilled.
After coming to the United States I put an extra pressure on myself to appear as finally I’m leading “the good American life.” For those of you who may not know, when you come from Africa, there’s a certain pressure to change things about yourself that people expect mostly focused materially and physically. I like to jokingly say there’s an Ethiopian American starter kit that starts with a Michael Kors purse/watch really anything Michael Kors (I really don’t know why) a Mac make up items, an iPhone, a 10-20lbs weight gain with a slight change into lighter skin tone, and definitely shopping in name brand stores. That says you’ve made it to the top. When you go back home if you have the above things, you definitely will feel like you are living “the good American life.” When I went home to see my family the first time after one year in the USA, some people made comments that I didn’t look like I lived in America because I didn’t fit in the above mold. To be honest I first laughed on how ridiculous that comment sounded but later on deep inside I questioned whether that’s true or not.
I first heard about being a beloved child of God in 2014 despite my flaws and short-comings. Even though I grew up hearing God loves me no matter what, this time hearing that and internalizing it was a game changer. It still took me a long time to change the habit of self doubt and fighting years and years of built up insecurities to understand what this Truth really means for me practically.
Knowing that I, Emnet Tegafaw Gilbert from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia who grew up in the lower middle class from a loving but a bit dysfunctional family who struggled with grades in school but still made the average minimum to make the cut for university, who lacks some social skills because I’m a bit awkward and introverted who pretended to be a social extrovert to draw attention but then gets overwhelmed and exhausted of being in public, who hid my many emotions, retreating to myself when feeling not enough, who’ve always wanted to be a creative person with different passions and interests but was ashamed to follow those dreams because I didn’t think they were good enough to be perused after having been told many times I’m not good/ talented enough for my passions and believing those people “who seemed to know what they’re talking about” therefore told my self to sit back or on the side lines and watch others do big things.
So Yes, me with all those things and many more, I am loved and I am enough. Telling myself this is sometimes scary. What does that mean and how do I go about my life after knowing this. What do I need to change.
The first thing I did was to let myself be me. To fire that people pleasing and approval seeking mentality out of my thinking. Reminding myself I am enough when doubts creeps in. Regardless of being put together or not. Going out to grocery store is so much relaxing and freeing now that I don’t have to look presentable just in case I run into someone I knew and god forbid they think less of me now that I’m wearing tennis shoes to grocery store. I do it only because I want or like to. FaceTiming friends with my lounge close or morning face or even inviting friends without scrubbing frantically every inch of my house. What a freedom to clean your house because you like to not out of the need to be perfect. Being comfortable in your own skin is freedom.
There’s still work to be done, I am unfinished, I am a work in progress but I am also enough. My introverted, awkward and emotional self is needed in the world that’s why God made one of me.
Dear reader, If you feel like you’re not enough or you have never been told that you’re enough, I’ll tell you what I will tell my daughter and this is what I want her and you to know. God made you, saw you and said “you are good”. He delights in you. He dances with joy when He sees you because you are His work of art, a masterpiece. He sees your struggle and wants to redeem you in Christ Jesus. He wants to redeem your broken past, your broken heart, your unmet expectations, your self-doubt. He wants to carry that and give you freedom in Christ Jesus. Once you know you’re loved and accepted you’ll never look or search for approval from others. You can accept God’s free gift and live in that Truth.
For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With His love, He will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17
I leave you with this. If you are struggling to find your place in this world, I see you. I hear you. You have a place. You belong. But more importantly God sees you. Take this Truth to your heart and hold it close. Meditate on it and ask God to help you live boldly in His truth. Find people who see your true worth. Cut out toxic relationships and fake friendships that make you feel less of who you are. You are a beloved child of God. Yes! You are enough!!!
